Welcome Aboard~

shit that has actually been said

so my nephew was watching cartoons today and this conversation takes place

austin: i wish i could be a girl

me: why?

him: cause i dont want to be a boy

i didnt have the heart to tell him he could be if he really wanted to but it gives me hope. imma panny in a restrictive environment and here is my nephew wanting to be a girl. oh lord i wish i could let him be what he wants but i cant

still, though. hes 6 and wants to be a girl and hes in an extremely restrictive environment due to stereotypical, religious grandparents/uncle/dad/etc. im pretty sure im the only one willing to accept that kind of thing

//sighs

maybe one day i can introduce him to the world of loving yourself for who you are and feeling comfortable

cake

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is this normal?

so like its almost 3 am here and i finally have steady internet so im rping (karkat of course) and like it feels like hes my character. i mean, obviously hes not but like

i feel everything he does like one of my own. i see the shit he goes through and i just want to hug him and tell him its gonna be all vetter

see with my characters, i draw from my own experiences, my own inner pain, happiness, whatever. i mean, its definately THEIR own emotion because my characters are like my kids and stuff but the well is kind of me? i dont know how to explain it

but like im writing emotional shit and just sobbing. just fucking sobbing seeing how upset karkat is. i mean, theres self loathing in all my rps but in this one hes just drunk all the time and trying to drown out the pain of heartbreak, being a mutation of being a failure

and im just fucking sobbing

is this normal?! jesus fuck guys i cry over my characters and i fight with them but like kk is property of hussie

oh my gooooooooooooood someone make it stawp

question

kinda intimate so its under the cut

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my gay ass abscence

so vann is an idiot and she was on her pc talking to cake and being kawaii and everything was great. then her internet booted her the fuck off. well, my pc was showing that there were no internet connections. i was like ‘ok weird’ but whatever

well, the thing ON MY PC that CONNECTS me to a network to even get on the internet ended up deleted the fuck off my pc. i dont know how i did it but my bro did the same thing to his pc and he got it back in five minutes. its taken EVERYONE literally TWO DAYS to get this shit back on my pc

//sighs

in the mean time, i have discovered the BAD ASS game fate so if i disappear and dont post on here for awhile 1) im playing fate or 2) i fucked up my internet and im playing fate

also i ended up drawing… inappropriate things im not going to post :B plus apparently wendy and i have made a gay hammer and a saw that saws both ways? yeah… long story that involves the two of us shitting around prepping for her special ed thing. yeah…. shes officially awesome

i promise to update properly later. right now i need to go back to doing this

vann out

i shall be back motherfuckers

fandom-watch reblogged your audio post

are you fucking kidding me?

this is a blog dedicated to fandom drama

what the fuck man

this is complete bullshit really. like you have a BLOG dedicated to this?!

i didnt post that for you to make fun of and analyze

//growls in frustration

OH MY GOD

MY BROTHER’S GIRLFRIEND

WAS DOING 100 MPH IN A 55 MPH ZONE

OH MY GOD

HOLY SHIT

SHE COULD GO TO JAIL

WHAT THE FUCK MAN

//sighs deeply

well, if she DOES go to jail, looks like we’ve got another kid in the house

i just

what the actual fuck was she THINKING?! christ…

hamsteak

so im finally up to act four in my rereading of hamsteak

not to bad for shitty internets if i do say so myself

the trolls have JUST appeared

also, i didnt actually ever GET to cascade the first time around because i was trying to catch up rather quickly and skipped it. if someone could warn me about what page its on before i get to it, thatd be much appreciated

because i dont wanna get to it and then hafta leave, y’know?

so yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah

updates

ok so my parents are going up to northwest this next week so i think imma be off. i mean, its not like i’ve been on all that frequent or anything like that but point being it’ll be much less cause i’ll have two little boys to take care of

bluh

i’ll let y’all know when i’m on again

alert

apparently my girlfriend got confused about the state locations and has been telling everybody im in alaska

im in fucking arkansas

arkansas

that is all

cakey, youre fucking cute <3

im going to die without proper internets to alleviate the temper that is my father in the mean time, imma post a couple of gifts i took pics of for cakey cause she isnt on skype

blargh

i feel like imma die without proper internet

but i can keep updating?

eurgh its so fuckin hot i feel like imma fuckin die here guys

this country

its like sinking into hell i swear to god

im busy watching world’s dumbest (partiers) like, it’s a series of the world’s dumbest people/happenings/etc

imma die

i swear imma die

i wanna fuckin call cake but i cant cause the internet cuts out the second i try to do any of that shit

fuck me

ugh i guess you could say im *kinda* bored? :U

PLEASE FILL MY ASKBOX ITS FUCKIN SUMMER AND I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WHEN I FINALLY GET AN INTERNET CONNECTION CAUSE THE INTERNET WONT SUPPORT ANYTHING ELSE

yeah

love y’all

miss ya, cakey

A Gift… for my kawaii Cakey

So, basically I’ve spent all my morning waking hours doing this:

The beginning of the rest of my life was a funny thing. For months, I’d been biting my nails, unsure of myself and peeking around every corner, worried about everything. I was worried about making the wrong turn, of getting hurt, of letting myself trust others and I was in near constant pain, trying to compensate for the hole in my heart, a hole left by a wretched monster I had been too kind to not forgive. But it left me a mess, a horrible, broken mess and I had been left to pick up the pieces.

I had nightmares, more often than I cared to admit, about that time happening again, about never finding love and about all my insecurities, stupid as that sounds. I tentatively began to like several people, scared to let myself fall into more than serious attraction lest my heart be broken upon discovering I did not mean the same to the other. It had already happened far too many times to count so why add yet another heart break and so soon after being cornered like an animal? I certainly didn’t see the point.

I can’t currently pinpoint the actual day I began to change but change I did. I grew stronger, around the hurt that had been played to me with the help of so many others. I faced my worst nightmare in a court of law and was slapped with a verdict I neither agreed nor felt entirely comfortable with. But that was the time I think I told myself I had to move on or I would never truly heal. I think internally I knew that I was to carry around this pain for the entirety of my life if I didn’t shut the fuck up and just move forward with myself. And so, tentatively mind you, I began that journey forward.

Luckily for me, I had people along the way to help me out which is more than I can say for a majority of sexual assault victims. As I began to stretch farther and farther outside my comfort zone, I began to make friends in unlikely places. My favorite fan fiction author ended up adding me to a Skype group and I grew fond of her, her boyfriend and various friends there. Granted, these friendships were started over the internet but that doesn’t make them any less real than if they had started at the beginning of the school year in senior English. In fact, I would say meeting over the internet granted a truth and honesty not afforded to most traditional friendships due to the fact that without seeing the other person’s face, you can be perfectly honest without worrying too much about convention. Of course, there is always the threat that the other person is lying through their teeth but I have found over the course of time that generally speaking, humans are kind creatures and have a tendency to be honest over the internet where there is simultaneously everything and nothing to lose.

I was extremely cautious due to an abusive three year relationship that ended on less than friendly terms that had left me distrustful, angry and more than a touch hurt. But slowly, the more I opened up, the more friends I began to make. I certainly didn’t throw caution completely to the wind but I found that the more trusting and open I was, the more I was rewarded with love and kindness and I grew fond of my newfound friends, turning to them for help and guidance in ways previously unavailable to an unpopular scrap like me. Finally, I had friends I could trust and love both in real time as well as across cyberspace, proving to me that not all people are inherently bad.

And then I met somebody very special. Her name is Cake and I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in a while, and certainly never for my same sex. I am polyamorous by nature and tend to have at least two people I like equally well existing at the same time. At the time I began feeling things for her, which was shortly after we met, I had discovered my pansexuality.

This seems like a crazy thing to just simply ‘discover’ but I had been raised by a group of Southern, religious bigots who were convinced anybody with any feelings whatsoever for the same sex was going to burn in hell and that god hated them. In fact, I myself had been trained and raised to both hate and distrust gays as something entirely abominable in nature so it was as if I had been handed a natural suppressant of my true nature. Upon my father’s absence, it was as if a majority of this influence had disappeared with him and I was left free to discover myself and explore in ways not normally permitted. For awhile I thought myself to be bisexual seeing as I felt things for males and females but upon discovering the definition of pansexuality, I could not help but think to myself that that was the label that fit the best.

I would like to take a moment to explain this pansexuality. No, I am not attracted to pans nor am I attracted to anything that walks, crawls, flies or hasn’t been dead more than three days. What pansexual means is that you are attracted to all people despite this fuzzy thing we label gender. Bisexuality tends to either lean more towards heterosexual or homosexual feelings but pansexuality encompasses all possible genders equally. I felt that this fit because I found myself attracted to transgenders, male, female and hell, my one boyfriend had been everything but a transvestite. To me, pansexual fit the best.

I will openly admit I found myself scared to death that I had an attraction to females. Wasn’t I supposed to feel disgust? But upon exploring, the more I looked into the possibility, the more I felt attracted to the soft curves and angelic tresses adorning glowing faces. Women are beautiful in a different way that men are handsome but I find both to be extremely attractive in their own right albeit much differently. And, of course they would be different kinds of attraction because male and female are different but the love felt on the inside was no different. Kind of like how a parent loves their children differently – equally but differently and so it is the same with me with male and female attraction. It’s like loving different significant others for different reasons. Same emotion, roughly the same feeling but different motivations and things that attract you to that person.

Tentatively, as you can imagine, I began to like this Cake more and more. We Skype called each other and videoed via tinychat. We shared more and more of each other and the more I learned, the more I thirsted to know about her and I found myself drawn to the idea of being in a relationship with her, for being there to wipe her tears when she cried and for sharing the joys she was sure to have in life. At first, this attraction scared me as it was entirely new. I mean, I had never had a girlfriend before and I was understandably tentative. But the girl began to grow on me.

One day, I came home from church bawling my eyes out. My brother and mom had shared with me in no uncertain terms their views on homosexuality and they had completely devastated me. I could never ever tell them about my feelings for women if I wished for myself and any significant other I might possibly have to see the light of another day. They would disown me, leave me destitute if they didn’t either kill me or shove me into a mental hospital to recuperate from ‘such a disgusting disease’ as feeling things for the same sex.

Who was there to encourage me and wipe my tears? Certainly all of my friends were but Cake was there for me the most being pansexual herself. We chatted for hours and she made me laugh, a trait I am highly attracted to. She made me feel good about myself again and more than anything I wished she was beside me so I could wrap her in a warm embrace and never ever let go. She made me feel normal, like my family’s opinion wasn’t such a big deal and I began to fall harder.

More and more I found myself wishing to ask to be her girlfriend and I began to kind of snoop around if you will about her personal life. I asked her moirail, Sai, just exactly how she was about falling into serious attraction. I asked if she liked anybody and just how her feelings worked because I was too shy to ask her myself as well as too scared of rejection to dare ask her about it. He informed me that he hadn’t known her to crush or like easily and I found my heart begin to sink to the floor, devastated. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to feel more than attraction towards this girl as a way to save me serious heartache and pain in the long run.

And then, she messed up her computer being silly little Cake. The situation was more than a touch comical and it amused me just how adorable she could be. She disappeared for quite awhile and the longer her absence, the more my heart ached to hear her voice again, to talk to her and see her even if it was on video. I told myself that it was just attraction, it would certainly go away. I convinced myself I would end up breaking my own heart if I didn’t calm the fuck down and get my head out of the clouds. But as the days passed, my heart began to beat steadily for the girl I was certain I could not have.

We began to leave messages to each other on tumblr, no other way of real communication available. Every time I saw a new message in my inbox, my heart pounded almost painfully, hoping against everything it would be something from her even if it was a word or a smiley face. As the days passed, I found myself thinking more and more of her until I just couldn’t get her out of my head. I remembered her laugh, her easy smile and the cute way she moved absentmindedly on camera. I told myself if I didn’t snap the fuck out of my daze soon, I was going to end up with another broken heart.

And then, suddenly, she was on again and I was on the same time she was. We began to talk and I recalled a question a friend had asking if she and I were ‘a thing’ because she had sent me a heart in my inbox and I felt that more than anything, I wanted the two of us to actually be a thing. I was too frightened to come out and say it, though, for fear of rejection. There was simply no way I could ask her. She has always been more than adorable and I… not. I find myself a gigantic lumbering landmass but don’t you dare tell her I said that. She’ll deny it but the truth is she’s the cute one.

We began to chat, kind of dancing around the subject and finally, we discovered ourselves on the same page – we liked each other and longed to be together. After a moment of awkward pussyfooting, we kind of mutually asked each other out. I found myself grinning like a fool, excited as hell.

Needless to say, I would commemorate July 3^rd as the start of the rest of my life for many reasons. I had mostly overcome my negative feelings of inadequacy and began to move forward with myself, with my life. For the first time in a long time, I went to bed grinning like a fool and excited to see tomorrow, wishing for internet in ways I hadn’t wished for anything before so I could talk to her whenever I wanted and call her again, falling asleep on video like the dorks that we are.

I’m excited and happy as hell. Of course, my friends are all worried about my parents finding out about the two of us. Hell, I kept a 3 year abusive relationship under the rug, I think I can manage this. And I wanna wake up before her every day while I’m here in the states so I can call her and wish her a good morning but I can’t… yet… due to lacking a proper internet connection.

I just hope to god this lasts awhile and I just wanted to end this with a short little message:

I love you, Cakey. Don’t go changing~